Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
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Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.