The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
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[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.