“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
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Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
termite twitter scares me
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Our lord and savoury.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.