The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
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My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Aaaa…CHOO!
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.