Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
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20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans