According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
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You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Bloody internet 😳
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Perfect
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing