ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
You Might Also Like
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Cheers Twitter.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.