*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
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The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦