Peter Parker Peter Driver
You Might Also Like
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
called in thicc to work this morning
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I think they could have phrased this better
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket