Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
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Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH