This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
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Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Childbirth is so beautiful
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves