I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
You Might Also Like
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
My safe word is Worcestershire
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf