“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
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my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
#growingpains
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Erm I’m gonna say no