Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
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My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”