Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
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Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
checking out some reviews of my local library
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
“what that mouth do?” complain
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
*launders Kohls cash*
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy