no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
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Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Meow
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China