I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
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My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*