*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
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Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I know this now 😂
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true