Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
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As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.