Everyone in the gym on January 1st
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[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”