Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
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Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao