“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
You Might Also Like
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.