Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
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Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.