My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
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My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.