The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
You Might Also Like
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.