The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
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“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.