[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
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[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up