I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
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Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
dads on road-trips be like
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
August 8
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.