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As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
This a good idea
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.