This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
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professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …