We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
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Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts