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another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu