My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
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Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Body by cheese-puffs.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.