“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
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me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.