6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
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Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know