gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
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Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.