I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
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Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I identify as an antique shop.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I would like even faster food.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!