You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
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Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.