This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them đź’•
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Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.