Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
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Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!