I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
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[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Pass gas, not judgment.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
The biggest mystery of our time
I’m sorry…what?
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Me driving through Toronto
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me