My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
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Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
getting groceries
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.