It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
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funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
do what now??
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Yup
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.