Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
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Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I think I’ll stand
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way