I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
You Might Also Like
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing