HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
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So many pants.
So little yoga.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.