Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
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if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.