Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
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I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I’ll be mad as hell!
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks