He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
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Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
How to find Kentucky on a map
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
That’s incredible! 👌
Erm…
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.