Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
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How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.